Wanna hear the question that stopped me in my tracks?

It was such a simple question, but it caught me off guard. 

“Do you love your body?” she asked. 

I shifted in my seat, sinking a bit.

“I mean, ummm, yeah…, I think so.”

I was being coached by a woman who helped women navigate their relationships with food and their bodies.

As she locked eyes with me, there was no way to answer the question but honestly. 

“No,” I answered, shaking my head, regretfully. 

The word hung in the air. I hated the way it sounded even though it was the honest answer. 

I’d spent so many years saying mean and hurtful things to myself, trying to shrink and change my size, ignoring myself, numbing out with food rather than feeling anything. 

But our conversation that day started something...it allowed me to make a crack in my well-worn armor of self-criticism. 

It allowed me to see that I didn’t have to go from hating my body to loving it overnight, and that there were baby steps I could take. 

Was I willing to try to love myself? Ummm, sure.

Was I willing to take loving care of myself? Ummm, ok.

What that meant for me was practicing moving my body in ways that felt good. I wasn’t focused on changing it, but just on moving it because that was a way to care for it. 

It meant that I started paying more attention to eating when I was hungry, and noticing when I ate for reasons other than hunger -- like being annoyed with my kids, mad at my husband, or distracting myself from the hours of grading I needed to do as a teacher.

Little by little I learned what treating myself in loving ways looks like, and feels like. 

There are so many layers to it...like speaking up for what I need, dressing myself in ways that make me feel good, and, yes, moving my body and eating well. 

After so many years of on-again-off-again dieting, what my body and mind really needed was my attention. 

And committing to treating myself in more loving ways has been the real lasting change for me. 

More than losing a few pounds...learning to be kinder to myself, showing myself some compassion has been the real game changer.